October 16, 2007

“Everybody talks about the weather, but nobody does anything about it.” – Samuel Clemens

I think that we are all entitled to bitch, moan and cry about things, from time to time, that we plan to do little to nothing about. It’s human nature; a manual process of breaking down, realizing, letting go and moving on. Cleansing is healthy. Voicing concern is cleansing, and often necessary. Expulsing your doubts, worries, concerns, and issues – these are all good things….up to a point. The key is recognition; the art of letting go, of moving on, of realizing that you can go from point A to the elusive “what now” of point B. Point B is a good place! It’s a happy place! It is the point of solution, even if there is no solution but simple complacency in letting go of what irks you, ails you, or otherwise deforms you.
So we agree, then? Certainly.
I think it really is that easy, too, but it can sometimes involve breaking lifelong habits of critical thinking, analyzation, rehashing of points to the point of obsession, and killing what is already dead. Beating the dead horse, so to speak….but who doesn’t love doing that?? Okay, so perhaps it’s unneccessary. Fine.
I was having a conversation with an older co-worker, concerning the changes and uncertainties about life, goals, dreams, and age. My biggest fear, really, at this point, was the milestone of my 30th birthday which, in my eyes, seems to be approaching full speed ahead. Why? I can’t even explain it. I started to try to explain it to my 40-something co-worker, as she looked at me, secretly rolling her eyes, and tried – very patiently, I may add – to listen to my ramblings, going over life, and work, and school, and just getting to the point to where I realize that I am not exactly on the path I first set out to travel, up until the point of exhaustion. When I finally managed to squeeze out the last hurrahs of my little pity party, she looks at me, and says “I’m 42, and here I am, hanging out with a couple of 20-somethings after work. I don’t think anyone ever really figures it out.”
She may be right.
I honestly don’t know what has gotten me so worked up at this point, because I’ve always challenged the “norm.” I’ve never really done this because this is what we’re all supposed to do, or stepped into line at exactly the right pace, so I can keep up with everyone else. I’ve always just taken each step at my own merit, disregard, and whim. So, why is it suddenly bothering me that I haven’t kept up with the people I’m not even trying to race anyway? I am beginning to think that, perhaps…perhaps it shouldn’t. Maybe I just need to get over it. Get over it – embrace it – celebrate it, even. This is what I set out for, so why does it seem to be such an ordeal now? Of course, nobody ever claimed that life was an easy task. I get that. It doesn’t have to be so damn hard, either. I think we make it hard (and yes, I mean the Royal we); at least a lot harder than it should be. There is just too much going on elsewhere to get caught up in the digestion of Point A to begin with. It’s time to get on to Point B.

So, there it is. I’m going to be 30 soon. I am still in school. I’m not in another city, state, country, or whatever it is I dreamed of being in just a few short years ago. I have no idea what I will do when I “grow up,” nor the slightest clue as to what will interest me. And, I hate Finite Math. There it is – and it’s all okay.
Now that we’ve got that out of the way….

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